It's been a week.

I cried last night when I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep. I try to distract myself, keep myself from thinking too much about my father. Last night, I lost for a little bit.

It's just that I wish that I had been more able and willing to go and see him. I have this idea that he would have enjoyed the company of an adult me. We got along great even when I was younger, but I still wish that I had seen him after I graduated from high school.

I still am grappling these emotions. If you see me and you don't think I care about this whole thing, you are wrong. I'm just dealing with this in my own way. Dealing with the guilt, regret, etc, that plague me. I had a freak out last night, where I wanted to go as soon as possible to Tacoma. I was thinking "FUCK THIS, I want to move NOW!". It is possible, but I would be in a worse place financially and I would have no where to put my kittehs. So, I have to wait until July.

And I'm chomping at the bit like a horse, impatient as hell.